Dear Flarp

Dear Flarp,

When I saw you sitting on the Walmart shelf, I knew you were trouble. I should have walked away before you began your charming antics and won over “fun mom” that “smart mom” was trying to suppress. But you are good at what you do. You hypnotized me and lured me in, and soon I had four of you in my basket.

I’ll admit our time together started out beautifully. You were the hit of the Valentine’s gift bags. Even the chocolate was pushed to the side, as all attention was directed toward you. And the fun. Oh the fun. We sat at the table forever laughing until the tears came over your versatility. The variety of sounds you provide is no doubt admirable. The commentary that followed each squish was just what you would have wanted.

But the honeymoon is over. You have turned my world upside down. You are stuck to Riley’s princess sheets. You are smeared on Cole’s bedroom floor. I loathe the day I laid eyes on you. Why did I pass up your brother, Whoopie Cushion? Your clean, uncomplicated, time-tested competition? Why? I will never know how my life would have been different. But I will always wonder. Always.

Sincerely,
Me

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